I DEMAND AN APOLOGY!

Mike Rogers, Republican representative for the great state of Alabama USA, came to my attention by demanding that the official White House Spokesperson apologize for making a joke about the Space Force.  Which I was under the impression was kind of a joke already.  I think the official White House Spokesperson probably shared that view, and made a harmless wisecrack about it.  This prompted the indignant demand for an apology from Representative Rogers.  Frankly, if anyone should apologize for anything, I think it is Representative Rogers who ought to apologize for trying to pass off this polyester dome-carpet for hair.  In fact, I DEMAND an apology from Representative Rogers for attempting to fob off this bogus cranial upholstery for something that could have actually grown on a living creature.

Do you hear me, Mike? 

I DEMAND AN APOLOGY for this blatantly false skull-rug!

 

 

And also this one.  Is this the same one? Do you own two different ones of these, Mike?  Or is it just the lighting?  Whatever, APOLOGY DEMANDED!!!

 

 

I know, it's terrible that someone would make a little joke about a thing as important and serious as our noble Space Force, which nobody really knows what it is or what it is for.  But not as terrible as that thing perched on your shiny pate, that fraudulent furpiece, that blatant 

LIE MADE MANIFEST.  

I DEMAND AN APOLOGY.

The Error of the Toup Made Simple

This is exactly what is wrong with the average baldy's conception of the head rug.

In mid-July of the year 2019, this fellow from a South American country which shall not be named because I feel it has suffered enough, stuck $34G worth of cocaine on his head, slapped a wig on top, and sauntered into customs at Barcelona's international airport, casually whistling a little tune to assure everyone he was perfectly innocent and had nothing to hide, especially not on his freakishly malformed head.

This, in a nutshell, is the Toupee Delusion made manifest, him being the nut and the wig being the shell, so to speak, as it were.  Your baldy looks in the mirror and sees a tragic lack of something atop the sconce - usually just hair, but very rarely $34G worth of snort as well.  Your baldy clomps himself a big old wad of hairoid replacement substance onto his pate, slicks it down a bit, turns slightly from side to side to give it a glance, and then goes out in public with this unbelievable absurdity atop his cranium, benignly thinking to himself, "Yeah, I got this, I am luking gude.  Hello ladies, (or Customs Officers in some rare cases like this one), here comes mister realhair who is not bald at all, and is certainly not concealing umptyjillion bucks worth of blow on top of his damn head because who would do that?  That would be crazy!  No, I am PERFECTLY NORMAL looking.  PERFECTLY NORMAL."

Which just goes to show you how wrong a guy can be.

RAND PAUL

Rand Paul is a politician or something.  

He's like, "I know, right?  What IS this thing on my head?"

 I like to call it, "my hair."

 Yeah, baby, I STAPLE this bad boy on!

Can't even PAINT that thing so it looks natural. Nice toupee, Rand.
You've got my vote for President of the United States of Curly Head Rug.

IOSIF KOBZON

Gaze with admiration, dear readers, upon the majestic Soviet crooner Iosif Kobzon!  Once a patriotic citizen of the USSR, he now belts out the hits in support of Capitalist Imperialist Russia and its latest insane dictator, Tsar Vladimir.  You'd think being Jewish might be a slight handicap in such a virulently anti-semitic environment, or at least cause an occasional twinge of conscience, but opportunism conquers all, and Kobzon gladly entertains the troops engaged in the valiant struggle for Russia's global supremacy.  In younger days, when back and sides still grew lush and verdant, he settled for a mere rat-pelt of a toup to cut the gleam of his bare sconce:

Now that age, if not wisdom, has rested its gentle hand upon his entire head and the gleam has passed from the top of his dome down across his botoxed forehead, dear Iosif sports a delightful hirsute helmet. To adapt from Soviet Lackey to Running Dog of Capitalism in one brief lifetime would be challenge enough for any man, but Kobzon crowns his achievement with a masterful coup, a masterful toup, a shining beacon of inspiration for those of us who value style over substance. 

Sing on, brave Iosif, while your fellow Jews are routinely beaten and abused in their native land, and the troops of your Divine Oligarch shoot down passenger planes and blow up cities, you may proudly say, "I got mine - TO HELL WITH YOU!" 

DR. MOHAMMED NASEEM (UK)

I am usually pretty careful to bring you, my two or three avid readers, the Nice Toupees of people in public life who I think deserve or at least can handle the attention their cranial carpetry draws, or should draw, upon them.  I don't do hatchet jobs on people who are just trying to run a company, produce a product or be a local politician, though many of them have some pretty startling plumage glued to their erstwhile gleaming dome.  Like Bill Gates.  BUT, I present to you now the off-the-rack headgear of one Dr. Mohammed Naseem.

Why, you may ask. Well I will tell you why. As related by our charming friends at Pink News (Europe's Largest Gay News Service) beneath that sculpted hunk of neo-hair is the chairman of a Birmingham, England, mosque who has "defended comments he made linking homosexuality to paedophilia, murder and gambling."

Okay, he has a right to his beliefs.  I don't know what Islamic teachings are about an elderly gentleman slapping a chestnut-toned toup on his sconce in the vain effort to deny God's gift of baldness, but let's compare him with the lovely Asifa Lahore, Britain’s “first and only Muslim drag queen.”

Who would you rather date? My answer - THE BELIEVABLE ONE.  Nice toupee, Naseem.  REAL nice toupee you got there.  OH yeah.

STEVEN SEAGAL, FUTURE EMPEROR OF ARIZONA

With the news that Action Megastar Steven Seagal is contemplating ascending to his rightful place upon the throne of the U.S. province of Arizona, I suddenly realized what great strides he has already taken toward the glorification of humanity's greatest accomplishment in all of history, the toupee.  Let's watch as he evolves through the primitive stages of mankind into a spectacular post-human Homo Toupensis!

Firstly, meet his striking gaze just as he saw himself in his mirror every morning, his youthful charm receding before his grim eyes.  Where is that hair going?  Away, my friend, away.

Puzzled and unsettled by the trickery of fate, he contemplates his options.  Just let it go?  Shave it all off? No - that won't be the style for many years and I need something now. Because this dome is really starting to blind me.

Must I gloomily resign myself to the disgraceful BALD GUY CAP?  Or worse yet, the dreaded Dome Diaper, the  hideous and disgusting BALDANA?  No, it hasn't come to that.  I still have my pride.  I still have one brave option.

Yes.  The toupee.  The magnificent toupee.  Once again I am myself, free to be the righteous defender of justice my fans expect me to be.  The toupee is our salvation.  And yet... am I really ALL I can be?  Am I just settling for what I can get, or can I still demand MORE?  AS IS MY RIGHT???

VICTORY.  Victory over baldness, over combing, over mere "reality."  Here is the culmination of cranial art, the spectacular one-piece titanium vampire toup.  Get that thing looking right BEFORE you clamp it onto my skull because I have a WORLD to save, an EMPIRE to rule... the Empire of Arizona.  

Fight the brave fight, Steven Seagal.  You are fighting for all of us, the dense-pelted and the balding, the head-shaved and the en-toupified, even the fully be-wigged.  But NOT for those wretched and shameful wearers of the degrading Bald Guy Cap or Baldana.  Not for those who vainly strive to conceal their noble pates beneath a stupid rag.  They are the enemy, the enemy of the truth of baldness and the glorious legend of the NICE TOUPEE.

SMART!

Rather than just perching atop the naked dome like a scrap of scruffy carpet and making you look like a schmuck, wouldn't it be better for a phony hairpiece to actually DO something?  Like monitor your vital signs, remotely control electronic devices, or navigate via GPS?  OF COURSE IT WOULD.  That's why the Smart Wig exists.  That doesn't mean we don't still love the Stupid Wigs of the world.
 

'Smart' wig navigates by GPS, monitors brainwaves

TOKYO —

Are you both bald AND lost? Then the new “SmartWig” from Japan might be just what you need.

Wearers of the Presentation Wig will be able to remotely control a laser pointer from their mop-top. They can move forward through a PowerPoint slideshow by tugging the right sideburn and go back a page by pulling on the left.

The Navigation Wig uses GPS to speak to satellites and guide users to their destination with tiny vibrations on different parts of the head.

Meanwhile, the Sensing Wig monitors body temperature, blood pressure and brainwaves and can also record sounds and images to allow wearers to playback their day and see what set their systems aflutter.

And so forth.