With the news that Action Megastar Steven Seagal is contemplating ascending to his rightful place upon the throne of the U.S. province of Arizona, I suddenly realized what great strides he has already taken toward the glorification of humanity's greatest accomplishment in all of history, the toupee. Let's watch as he evolves through the primitive stages of mankind into a spectacular post-human Homo Toupensis!
Firstly, meet his striking gaze just as he saw himself in his mirror every morning, his youthful charm receding before his grim eyes. Where is that hair going? Away, my friend, away.
Puzzled and unsettled by the trickery of fate, he contemplates his options. Just let it go? Shave it all off? No - that won't be the style for many years and I need something now. Because this dome is really starting to blind me.
Must I gloomily resign myself to the disgraceful BALD GUY CAP? Or worse yet, the dreaded Dome Diaper, the hideous and disgusting BALDANA? No, it hasn't come to that. I still have my pride. I still have one brave option.
Yes. The toupee. The magnificent toupee. Once again I am myself, free to be the righteous defender of justice my fans expect me to be. The toupee is our salvation. And yet... am I really ALL I can be? Am I just settling for what I can get, or can I still demand MORE? AS IS MY RIGHT???
VICTORY. Victory over baldness, over combing, over mere "reality." Here is the culmination of cranial art, the spectacular one-piece titanium vampire toup. Get that thing looking right BEFORE you clamp it onto my skull because I have a WORLD to save, an EMPIRE to rule... the Empire of Arizona.