DR. MOHAMMED NASEEM (UK)

I am usually pretty careful to bring you, my two or three avid readers, the Nice Toupees of people in public life who I think deserve or at least can handle the attention their cranial carpetry draws, or should draw, upon them.  I don't do hatchet jobs on people who are just trying to run a company, produce a product or be a local politician, though many of them have some pretty startling plumage glued to their erstwhile gleaming dome.  Like Bill Gates.  BUT, I present to you now the off-the-rack headgear of one Dr. Mohammed Naseem.

Why, you may ask. Well I will tell you why. As related by our charming friends at Pink News (Europe's Largest Gay News Service) beneath that sculpted hunk of neo-hair is the chairman of a Birmingham, England, mosque who has "defended comments he made linking homosexuality to paedophilia, murder and gambling."

Okay, he has a right to his beliefs.  I don't know what Islamic teachings are about an elderly gentleman slapping a chestnut-toned toup on his sconce in the vain effort to deny God's gift of baldness, but let's compare him with the lovely Asifa Lahore, Britain’s “first and only Muslim drag queen.”

Who would you rather date? My answer - THE BELIEVABLE ONE.  Nice toupee, Naseem.  REAL nice toupee you got there.  OH yeah.

STEVEN SEAGAL, FUTURE EMPEROR OF ARIZONA

With the news that Action Megastar Steven Seagal is contemplating ascending to his rightful place upon the throne of the U.S. province of Arizona, I suddenly realized what great strides he has already taken toward the glorification of humanity's greatest accomplishment in all of history, the toupee.  Let's watch as he evolves through the primitive stages of mankind into a spectacular post-human Homo Toupensis!

Firstly, meet his striking gaze just as he saw himself in his mirror every morning, his youthful charm receding before his grim eyes.  Where is that hair going?  Away, my friend, away.

Puzzled and unsettled by the trickery of fate, he contemplates his options.  Just let it go?  Shave it all off? No - that won't be the style for many years and I need something now. Because this dome is really starting to blind me.

Must I gloomily resign myself to the disgraceful BALD GUY CAP?  Or worse yet, the dreaded Dome Diaper, the  hideous and disgusting BALDANA?  No, it hasn't come to that.  I still have my pride.  I still have one brave option.

Yes.  The toupee.  The magnificent toupee.  Once again I am myself, free to be the righteous defender of justice my fans expect me to be.  The toupee is our salvation.  And yet... am I really ALL I can be?  Am I just settling for what I can get, or can I still demand MORE?  AS IS MY RIGHT???

VICTORY.  Victory over baldness, over combing, over mere "reality."  Here is the culmination of cranial art, the spectacular one-piece titanium vampire toup.  Get that thing looking right BEFORE you clamp it onto my skull because I have a WORLD to save, an EMPIRE to rule... the Empire of Arizona.  

Fight the brave fight, Steven Seagal.  You are fighting for all of us, the dense-pelted and the balding, the head-shaved and the en-toupified, even the fully be-wigged.  But NOT for those wretched and shameful wearers of the degrading Bald Guy Cap or Baldana.  Not for those who vainly strive to conceal their noble pates beneath a stupid rag.  They are the enemy, the enemy of the truth of baldness and the glorious legend of the NICE TOUPEE.

SMART!

Rather than just perching atop the naked dome like a scrap of scruffy carpet and making you look like a schmuck, wouldn't it be better for a phony hairpiece to actually DO something?  Like monitor your vital signs, remotely control electronic devices, or navigate via GPS?  OF COURSE IT WOULD.  That's why the Smart Wig exists.  That doesn't mean we don't still love the Stupid Wigs of the world.
 

'Smart' wig navigates by GPS, monitors brainwaves

TOKYO —

Are you both bald AND lost? Then the new “SmartWig” from Japan might be just what you need.

Wearers of the Presentation Wig will be able to remotely control a laser pointer from their mop-top. They can move forward through a PowerPoint slideshow by tugging the right sideburn and go back a page by pulling on the left.

The Navigation Wig uses GPS to speak to satellites and guide users to their destination with tiny vibrations on different parts of the head.

Meanwhile, the Sensing Wig monitors body temperature, blood pressure and brainwaves and can also record sounds and images to allow wearers to playback their day and see what set their systems aflutter.

And so forth.

 

JOSE MANUEL BARROSO

Jose Manuel Barroso, former prime minister of Portugal, is current President of the European Commission.  I have tried to figure out what that means, but it is too complicated for me to understand.  What I do understand is that Sr. Barroso is a world leader in another realm, the realm of the Nice Toupee.  I salute President Barroso for his contribution to this neglected artform!

I only had THIS much hair....

... but I wanted to have THIS much!

NICE TOUPEE, JOSE!

John Travolta Update

Christmas of 2012 gave toupee lovers an extra special gift.  John Travolta has been a rug aficionado's dream for years now, but he leaped to a new dimension of cranial astroturfing with his Olivia Newton John reunion video.

Burt Reynolds

Somewhere along Burt Reynolds' road to becoming the Male Dolly Parton, there had to be a breaking point, a point at which the line had been crossed, when he reached the Level Beyond Human.  That point was somewhere between The Cannonball Run (1981) and Cannonball Run 2 (1984).  This is my documentary evidence:

Here he is in The Cannonball Run - nice toupee, right?  Looks pretty good, fairly believable.

Here he is in Cannonball Run 2.

End of post.

Lee Van Cleef

Last night I was watching a Spaghetti Kung Fu Western Comedy called Blood Money, a.k.a. The Stranger and the Gunfighter, etc., starring Lee Van Cleef.  Why, you may ask.  Because I have a kind of grudging fan relationship with Antonio Margheriti, a.k.a. Anthony M. Dawson because he directed my favorite SF movie of all time, Wild Wild Planet, that is why, and he directed this movie about a gunfighter and a kung fu fighter trying to find a vast fortune of some kind that the clues to its location are tattooed on four different women's butts.  So there is a certain amount of going around getting women to show this Chinese guy their naked heinies, which is kind of amusing for a western to have in it.  Anyway there is one scene where the two protagonists meet in jail and I see Lee Van Cleef looking like this:

 And I am like what the hell, man.  Strangely, throughout most of the movie he looks pretty much like this:

Fairly believable, right?  But in that one scene, in fact just that one camera angle it looks like they ran out of toupees and made him wear a small black bowl on his head.  From the other angle it doesn't look like that.  Just that one camera setup, shot through the bars, they couldn't find his toup and somebody had a black sock they weren't using so they just laid it on top of his dome and said let's just shoot this and nobody will notice.  Well I noticed.  That is my job.  Nice toupee, Lee.