STEVEN SEAGAL, FUTURE EMPEROR OF ARIZONA

With the news that Action Megastar Steven Seagal is contemplating ascending to his rightful place upon the throne of the U.S. province of Arizona, I suddenly realized what great strides he has already taken toward the glorification of humanity's greatest accomplishment in all of history, the toupee.  Let's watch as he evolves through the primitive stages of mankind into a spectacular post-human Homo Toupensis!

Firstly, meet his striking gaze just as he saw himself in his mirror every morning, his youthful charm receding before his grim eyes.  Where is that hair going?  Away, my friend, away.

Puzzled and unsettled by the trickery of fate, he contemplates his options.  Just let it go?  Shave it all off? No - that won't be the style for many years and I need something now. Because this dome is really starting to blind me.

Must I gloomily resign myself to the disgraceful BALD GUY CAP?  Or worse yet, the dreaded Dome Diaper, the  hideous and disgusting BALDANA?  No, it hasn't come to that.  I still have my pride.  I still have one brave option.

Yes.  The toupee.  The magnificent toupee.  Once again I am myself, free to be the righteous defender of justice my fans expect me to be.  The toupee is our salvation.  And yet... am I really ALL I can be?  Am I just settling for what I can get, or can I still demand MORE?  AS IS MY RIGHT???

VICTORY.  Victory over baldness, over combing, over mere "reality."  Here is the culmination of cranial art, the spectacular one-piece titanium vampire toup.  Get that thing looking right BEFORE you clamp it onto my skull because I have a WORLD to save, an EMPIRE to rule... the Empire of Arizona.  

Fight the brave fight, Steven Seagal.  You are fighting for all of us, the dense-pelted and the balding, the head-shaved and the en-toupified, even the fully be-wigged.  But NOT for those wretched and shameful wearers of the degrading Bald Guy Cap or Baldana.  Not for those who vainly strive to conceal their noble pates beneath a stupid rag.  They are the enemy, the enemy of the truth of baldness and the glorious legend of the NICE TOUPEE.

Bret Michaels and the Curse of the Baldana

Few topics spur more heated debate in toupee circles than the do-rag or "baldana."  While a toupee proclaims, however unconvincingly, "I still have hair," the baldana mumbles equivocally, "I might still have hair... but I still rock.  Mostly."  Bret Michaels is a guy who was in a rock band, and he has done his best to make the baldana into the Rock Star Toupee.  He is arguably the greatest living proponent of the baldana.

Bret must have started getting big parking lots on the side of his bean at an early age.  He just decided, "This will be my style.  I will rock this baldana, and people will be too stoked with my radicalness to stop and imagine the shining Bing Crosby dome that crowns my totally rocking self."

As the gleam of his shining pate expanded, so did his baldana, raising NO QUESTIONS WHATEVER about the rocking lack of  locks on his kick-ass cranium.  Nobody even wonders how much he looks like Benjamin Franklin when he strips off that subtle cloth.  Let's be honest here for one moment.  The toupee is one of mankind's noblest creations.  The baldana, like its elder brother The Bald Guy Cap, is a shameful embarrassment to both wearer and viewer.  It is a humiliating dome-diaper that degrades us all. Shame be upon all who wear it.