Gaze with admiration, dear readers, upon the majestic Soviet crooner Iosif Kobzon! Once a patriotic citizen of the USSR, he now belts out the hits in support of Capitalist Imperialist Russia and its latest insane dictator, Tsar Vladimir. You'd think being Jewish might be a slight handicap in such a virulently anti-semitic environment, or at least cause an occasional twinge of conscience, but opportunism conquers all, and Kobzon gladly entertains the troops engaged in the valiant struggle for Russia's global supremacy. In younger days, when back and sides still grew lush and verdant, he settled for a mere rat-pelt of a toup to cut the gleam of his bare sconce:
Now that age, if not wisdom, has rested its gentle hand upon his entire head and the gleam has passed from the top of his dome down across his botoxed forehead, dear Iosif sports a delightful hirsute helmet. To adapt from Soviet Lackey to Running Dog of Capitalism in one brief lifetime would be challenge enough for any man, but Kobzon crowns his achievement with a masterful coup, a masterful toup, a shining beacon of inspiration for those of us who value style over substance.
Sing on, brave Iosif, while your fellow Jews are routinely beaten and abused in their native land, and the troops of your Divine Oligarch shoot down passenger planes and blow up cities, you may proudly say, "I got mine - TO HELL WITH YOU!"
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